26th of March 2012
My life is a particularly depressing story. It’s not so much that the events were sad, just how they affected me. I don’t ask for any pity, i just want to explain my faults. (For TL;DR people, skip to the second last paragraph.)
When i was seven, my father died of a heart attack in disneyland Paris, while we were on holiday. Disney brings sad memories to me now, and i’m not keen on france either. Since then, i’ve had no male role models to look up to, the only adults i ever liked were women. I feel more comfortable talking to girls, and i admire them more than guys. I sometimes think i would be happier as a girl, but i dislike the current methods of sex changes, and the media stigma against it, so i’ll just have to do with a d***.
I didn’t have many friends at school. I kind of felt that my ‘friends’ were only so out of pity. In high school, i stopped hanging out with people at breaks, choosing instead to sit inside. Alone. I didn’t have any hobbies, i just played video games. I liked animals, but not so much as to call it a hobby. I stopped going to media class, because people were teasing me. In retrospect, i would rather have just punched them in the face, despite the consequences. Much of what i remember from my childhood was just the embarrassing parts.
Eventually i started getting depressed. After a while, i collapsed out of sheer dispair in a corridor, and my mother was called in to take me home. I couldn’t get out of bed anymore. I eventually stopped going to school fully, and i started having private tutoring due to Social Anxiety Disorder. It was around this time i was diagnosed with OCD, SAD, asperger’s and depression. Despite the private tutoring, i only got 3.5/4 GCSEs, which was not enough to pass for Sixth Form – not that i was in any fit state to handle it.
My OCD manifested itself because of what i consider my ‘religion’. I believe anything is possible, at any time. Until we know the entire universe, and everything that can affect it, we cannot deny anything. What if aliens invade? It’s possible, although highly unlikely. What if a giant tea cosy begins to eat everyone in the world? Almost impossible – but there is always an insane way of it happening. For example, if this world were actually a dream, a simulation, or if God just decides to fuck with us, then it could happen. Extremely advanced aliens might find a way, too.
Then i realised that it was possible the universe was all a lie, and everyone could be in on it. I became paranoid – not so much as to search for evidence, but i knew it was possible that there were people against me. I was worried people might be trying to kill me. I knew it was unlikely, but i considered it a large enough possibility to act on it. Whenever i left my Mother, i made sure the last thing i said was “I love you.” in case one of us would die. Whenever i would do an action, i would pretend to do it a few times (to ‘throw them off’), and then do it when ‘they’ would not expect it. This continued even after i realised how little the chance of my paranoid ideas would be. It became very hard to get dressed, and i started repeating “I love you, Mum” multiple times when i left her. This eventually came to an extreme where i would say it a few hundred times a day, and i would neglect contact with her so i wouldn’t have to do it again.
One of my OCD problems was ‘queunliskanphobia’, as i’ve just found out it’s called. Fear of saliva – either swallowing it, or touching it, or hearing it. This was because one of my school ‘friends’ told me some disgusting statistic about the amount of snot a person swallows a year, and the way other kids would spit on the floor casually. This has calmed down recently, luckily.
Another one of my problems was my brother. He started to become abusive and chav-like. After i realised some of my games were missing, i immediately suspected him. I went to his favourite used game shop, and asked if he sold them – their answer was “Maybe”, but i assumed he meant yes. I hated him massively after this, and avoided him a lot. Eventually, this hatred became enough to make me have a minor panic attack whenever i thought about him. I went to my mother whenever this happened, but this caused my OCD problems to occur. I still avoid him, and i still talk to mum whenever i hear him, but my OCD has calmed down a lot since then. He is going to university this september, so hopefully that’ll stop then.
Even though i failed to qualify for Sixth Form, i was given a chance at the Autistic unit place in a different nearby high school. I was the oldest student of the three of us, which eventually became about eight. I liked the staff and the other students there, they were nice, and i considered them friends. My depression and OCD got worse over time, however, and eventually i was unable to attend because of the stress of just getting dressed. At the end of the second year, it was decided i hadn’t had enough education to have any chance at the exams, so i dropped out.
I went to a adolescent mental health hospital for six months halfway during Sixth Form, and i made more friends there. I grew to like one of the other depression patients, and i wanted to help her feel better. Eventually she left, and i didn’t feel like doing anything from then on. At christmas, my mum told me that she thinks i should stay home, so i never returned for a goodbye party that the others would get. I kept in touch with two of the other patients, but eventually i stopped, probably because of my SAD.
I met my current friends online while i was at home. They were kind and welcomed me, even when i was slightly annoying. I thought about what i wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be a fox. They are cute and fluffy, and everyone loves them. Granted, many creatures are cute and fluffy, but i chose foxes because i liked orange. I told my friends first, then my Mum, and then my Care Worker. I don’t think people take me seriously when i say that’s what i want to be. I don’t mind being poor, or whatever. I just wanted to be a fox. I knew this was impossible, but i kept hoping, and i still do. Even when my depression reached it’s peak, i still clung onto the hope that everything might just be a nightmare, and when i wake up i will be a fox and everything will be fine.
I spend my days playing games with my friends, and browsing forums and deviantart. I have many, many games i have yet to play, but i just don’t feel the motivation to do so. I find it hard to do anything unless my friends are there with me. Whenever my friends aren’t there, i lie in bed daydreaming about ways i could become a fox, or something similiarly silly. I want to be good at something, something like singing, music, coding, drawing or writing. Something i can do with my time, and that i can enjoy. Soon i should be getting another pychologist (the last one retired), and mabye i can start getting better.
9th of January 2017
Things have, for the most part, gotten better. I’m still recovering at home, but my medicine is more effective. My depression is down a lot, and i have bad days less often now. My OCD is still annoying, but my doctor decided to give me one of my old medications again, and that apparently is super good against OCD, but only at a specific dosage. My Social Anxiety Disorder is my biggest barrier right now. Despite my OCD, i am trying to go for daily walks down to a local shop, which are scary because there are people and cars outside, but i manage.
My main friend group split in 2015 as everyone started to play different games and browse different chatrooms. But that’s okay, because i’ve found being a nice person gets you friends easily. My current main friend group is a community formed around a discord channel for a starbound clan i helped found. I don’t play games with friends as much any more, but i still talk to them all the time. I also play World of Warcraft now, because it has fluffy panda people and achievements. I befriended a clan there and i go to raids with them regularly now, which is always scary. I think challenging my SAD will help me recover, though.
Things are looking up. I tend to keep fairly active on twitter, and i sometimes update my diary on tumblr, so if you wanna know how i am now, check there.