wrong

My life is wrong. It’s getting harder again.

I can’t motivate myself to do anything. The last few weeks i’ve just been either sleeping, checking my internet bookmarks or rarely i’d try to play minecraft only to give up after ten minutes.

My OCD is worse. Not the worst it’s been, but still pretty bad. My psychologist told me to try putting a shoe on without listening to the OCD, but when i tried that with a sock i freaked out. My foot still feels unclean. Impure. Corrupted.

I can’t eat right. I don’t want to. I’m getting overweight and i can’t motivate myself to go exercise. My OCD spots the ‘impurities’ in my food and nags me about them endlessly. ‘Can’t eat that bit. It’s impure’. When i try to eat meat, there’s a voice at the back of my head telling me what it’s made from. It’s not just pure chunks of ‘meat’. It’s Muscles. Fat. Veins. [i]Dead things[/i]. [i]You are putting dead things in your mouth[/i].

I hate that voice. It tells me to do bad things. Not things that would benefit me at another’s loss. Just downright mean things. Kicking cats. Smashing plates. Swearing at boring people. When i try to daydream it interrupts me with embarrassing memories. Go away, voice. You’re making me sad.

I spent too much money recently. I have less than before. I need more money to pay for the future i don’t have. What do i do when Mum gets old? I can’t cook. I can’t clean. I don’t know how bills or stamps work. I can’t handle the responsibility of – well, anything, really. I can barely play Dwarf Fortress without panicking. I’m not even self-confident enough to get a nuclear reactor running in (modded) minecraft. I know how it works. I know how to contain the explosion in a worst-case scenario. But i’m too scared.

I hate being scared. I’m scared of everything. Spiders. Cars. Needles. Knives. Strangers. I hide in my room all the time to avoid these things, as well as the things that jostle my OCD. Even the bathroom next door scares me. There’s mess everywhere. Why is it so untidy? Why is the toilet never flushed? I’ll have to use the one downstairs.

I don’t know where i’m going with life. I have no qualifications, and I don’t care for money. I just want to be fluffy and cute. I’d like that. But that’s not a career option. There’s no signposts on this crossroads, and where i want to go doesn’t have roads. I wish i could develop a skill. But i can’t motivate myself to practice.

I don’t know why i’m telling you this. Maybe somebody’s secretly a wizard who will help me. But that wouldn’t happen to me. Reality’s too srsface to stop and help me. I guess i just want to vent. I’m lucky that i know how to be likeable, else i wouldn’t have anything.

I want my life to get better. How do i get better, peoples?

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