Y’know how nuts are festive? Well, today i ate some walnuts. Which weren’t from asda. Friggin walmart. Anyway, the first nut looked all icky and black inside, then second one tasted funny, and i couldn’t break the third one. So, i do what any self-respecting human would do. I reached for the nearest blunt object. This object happened to be a 2l bottle of water (half-drunk), which apparentnly smashes walnuts REALLY well. The only problem is, i have to get up to find the bits of walnuts spread around the room. My solution to both problems is thus- a gravity-based nutcracker. Or a really heavy one. Or just buy some peanuts instead.
Or hire a squirrel to do it.